CIN BLOG ENTRY: The Awkward Afterwards.

Well, I guess it's safe to reveal who I am talking about in the blog below. It's only my entire improv team, International Stinger. I wrote this entry a few days after DSIF last year. On the night before we were supposed to perform, I got into a small argument with my team. The first real blow up that we'd ever had as a group. I was very clearly on one side and they were very clearly on another. I could've chosen to let it go, but I didn't. They could've just heard me out and discussed what I needed them to discuss, but they didn't. And it escalated. And in the backroom of a bar in Chapel Hill, NC, we all completely lost our minds for a little bit. A small argument escalated into a great big one.
Some other horrible stuff followed that. I tried to take a cab back to the hotel, alone. My team called me on my cell to come back to the bar and work things out. And I did. But "Working things out" turned into one guy yelling at me, while I silently sat there and listened. I will never forget that one of the girls on the team, a girl that I am very close friends with and love dearly, broke down and cried. The one and only time that I'd ever seen her do that. And it pained me so much to see that, that I lost it and ended up crying in that bar, too.
At least we had the good dignity not to throw a punch...
I ended up walking out of that bar and straight into another cab back to the hotel. I called my supercoach, one of the nicest guys I'd ever met and walked around the block from the hotel and just broke down on the phone with him. I tried very, very hard to tell him the whole story. Not just how they were wrong, but how I was too. It was very important for me to communicate my own shame to him, in the matter. Anything less would've been irresponsible. And he listened and asked a few questions and was the most comforting human being that he could've been. I think I was out there for at least 2 hours. In the cold. In some random parking lot, shivering and quietly crying into my phone. Eventually he calmed me down enough that I could go back to the hotel room.
When I got there, everyone was asleep already. Ironically, I had to share a bed with the girl that I'd offended at the bar. And even that made me sad, to see her sleeping there. I remember coming back from the bathroom, after changing into sleeping clothes and brushing my teeth. I looked down and saw my teammate Dave, laying there, semi-awake and looking up at me. I smiled weakly at him and patted him on his foot and climbed into bed.
The next day we all made up. Lots of hugging and embarrased apologies all around. They came together as a group and did more than just apologize, they healed me and pulled me into the group and gave me attention and loved me and supported me. They completely took my shame away.
And that night, we performed for 400+ people and had one of our best shows together, ever. We got a standing ovation.
When I got back to Chicago, it was still smarting. I was still ashamed of what I'd said at Chapel Hill. I dumped all of how I was feeling, in this blog. I spun it to sound like it was only a single friend who I'd offended. I didn't want the team to read it and know what I'd very publicly posted.

In late February, my team and I return to Chapel Hill for this years improv festival. I am looking forward to making some new memories there. And letting go of some old ones, too...

Here's the entry...

The Awkward Afterwards.
05:33pm 03/01/2005

So, I had a pretty terrible argument with a friend of mine, recently.

The specifics of the disagreement are not all that important. As is typically the case in these things, we both had the same goal in mind. It was the method by which we thought best to get there, that we disagreed upon.

And as these things usually go, we both misinterpreted what the other person was saying. Both of us took the discussion far too personally.

Worse yet, we had this disagreement at a bar. So, liquor was involved. Not the sole factor, but certainly A factor, I am sure.

I tell you what, friends and neighbors, I was REALLY, REALLY angry with him. In the heat of the moment, I knew I was angry because my feelings were hurt. But that didn't diminish the anger that I was feeling. (And THAT is a lesson in hubris, for discussing the therapeutic remedies for lessening anger in this very blog and finding myself in the exact same situation, not a week later.)

I tried to make an escape, to get out of the heated discussion and that only backfired and made him even angrier at me. He thought I was ignoring him. Running away from the discussion.

I can't remember being in a more heated argument than that one, in a long, long time. I think we both said things that we regret. I can't speak for him. Christ, but I know I did. I really, really liked this guy. We were pretty close and now... who knows where things will land?

Things are different, right now.

In a way that I can't totally place my finger on. Before this argument, either one of us, would've made a social leap of faith, confident that the other guy has your back. Right now, I don't feel that way anymore.

I guess a trust has been violated here. Both ways. Emotionally there are still bruises that need to heal and neither of us have had the time to make that happen.

The thing is, I am pro-active about these sorts of things. I want to actively get in there and make efforts to make things easier, better. Its frustrating to know that I can't do that. Human beings don't function that way. Sometimes the effort made is not enough, to repair all of the damage. In fact, sometimes those methods read as ANOTHER attack and only cause that much more damage.

So, we still see each other (similar social group and such).

We are polite and pleasant to one another. I think we've even complimented each other on things that we both liked. We both look like we are ready for the other person to lash out in anger again. We are both pretty tentative with each other. We dance around each other, making the lightest possible contact, lest we damage the precarious balance that we both now suffer through.

We endure the Awkward Afterwards, because there is no other option, at this time.

It is my sincere hope that this is not how things have to stay.

I miss my friend and my friendship. I miss that comfort level and that trust. I miss that patience that we had with each other. I miss the intimacy of a solid friendship. I miss knowing where things stood and how we both felt, most of the time.

I miss my friend.